@j-chaplin
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With both marriages the different level of sexual desire became an issue – especially once the dopamine/limerence effect of having sex with each other wore off. And neither times did I have the self-awareness and confidence to state my needs and discuss effectively how to address the disparity and resolve the lack. My first marriage fell apart for several reasons but a lack of sex after the first year of marriage after being together for 2 years before that – living together was a factor. I was definitely too young to know better.
The difference after a few years with Chris – my long term partner – 25 years – was marked. It created stress for him and self loathing for me – that he didn’t want to have sex with me -… I managed to find my way through by making a conscious choice to stay and that I would privately find ways to get what I could sexually without disclosing to Chris.
When I talked about it as one of the key three reasons for ending the relationship – after 15 years of no sex in the marriage, I was very clear that our last interaction had been so unsatisfying that I would never consider going back and trying when he suggested we could have more sex. The horse had long bolted.
I think the best thing I can release for myself is that it was OK not knowing any better or differently during my marriages and forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. And that has, and is, allowing me the ability to clearly define how I want my sex life to be moving forward. That I am more than happy to have a rotation of partners (of which they are also welcome to have) whose company and sex I enjoy without the need for a fulltime romantic connection. That is how I started each of the playships we have… I am just looking to share physical pleasure with someone I like. I need attraction, affection and like to have sex. I don’t need a romantic relationship. And I don’t want the constraints of that kind of relationship in my life. Leaning into this is also releasing the monogamous attitudes that society implied – even though from a young age, monogamy was not modelled in my family. I knew my father was seeing/having sex with other women… if not consciously, certain sub-consciously.
No challenges per se, but I have recognised that there are still some things I am reticent to do or say during partner sex that I could be much better, quicker to say or ask and clearer in the moment. Must go and share some feedback with my pleasurable experience lover!<
I certainly received the message that I am only making sex better for everyone when I am good to ask and respectfully and clearly communicate my needs and preferences as well as allowing my partners to do the same.
OMG! Tamara’s analogy about food v orgasms is brilliant! “It’s like going to a restaurant. If my dinner date had to leave and take a phone call I wouldn’t immediately throw away my food. I’d continue eating and if they had time to come back and finish their food, that’s their prerogative, or they may want to box it for carry out. I don’t then need to feed them their food later, they can choose to warm it up and eat when they are hungry.” #priceless
It’s more reinforced than learnt from this lesson. It’s been a reminder to be clear about what I want, how I want it and knowing how to give it to myself and then taking that clarity into partner sex. I think it is trickier to give feedback when I ask for it and get nothing needs to be different – it’s all fabulous and then I want to share… much more so with new play partners.
The key take from this was BAD’s theory that there ought to be a law that no one can marry until they have had sex with at least ten different partners and know how to please themselves and communicate that with any new partner. Can you imagine how much better the world’s energy would be if everyone who was having sex was walking around satisfied?!?!?!
Chapter 2 Approval – Francesca and a Raja– her mother (not her real mother – an authority figure) having trained me in being ready to be sold to a potentate as a sexual object as the age of 13. She has been trained by her mother to be sold for the pleasure of one man.
Weirdly this is the complete antithesis of what I would’ve thought I would like. Although I enjoy a man who is willing to take control in sexual relations – the idea of serving just for a man’s pleasure – a man who has likely through birthright taken a position of power – is not one appeals. But the idea of a man able to have any woman that he wants but choosing and willing to pay for me to please him is a different kind of dynamic in my fantasy mind.
Chapter Two: Exploration: Karen. Her husband Ben and her friend Helen. At home – Helen and Ben connecting and Karen joins them. They have great sex in taking pleasure in each other and Karen – especially taking pleasure seeing two people she loves enjoying each other sexually and physically. There are people in my world who I meet and every now and again, when I tell them how I feel I get to play in delightful ways with them – so this resonates.
I read this too long ago and would’ve noted items had I have known I was going to be asked for specifics. Also doing this with an audio book is much harder than with a book I was reading – … I think the overall book reinforces that importance of pleasure and of bringing fantasies into the realms of experiences and keeping them as a means to enhance sexual experiences.
I think that having a book filled with such a broad range of themed fantasies available to women is a key part of supporting women to move beyond the conditioned restraints we have accepted for so long – or that have driven women to experience deep guilt over things that are perfectly natural.I think reinforced rather than learnt is the thing that this module gave to me. That there is no wrong or right way to fantasise. That everyone is different. And that the more open we can become to a range of fantasies the more pleasure we can experience.
Film and ASMR audio are definitely the formats I enjoy in terms of stimulating arousal. Erotica art is something I enjoy but like all formats the enjoyment comes from what specifically turns me on. And what I have definitely learnt through this module is that I (and I would have to assume others) have particular things (at particular times) that arouse me more than others and are a source of arousal that differ depending on any number of factors.
Marta has hit the nail on the head about how the audio on Dipsea landed for me versus The Fuck Bar!
I also found it difficult to find a piece that hit it on all fronts… I either found the voice, the story line – the slightest bit of pandering to males sends my head off in an unhelpful, non erotic directions. I really dislike the enemies to friends story line. So too if the story was too long in the uptake – I guess in the mood I was in over the couple of days I was trying to find pieces I want to listen to probably didn’t help. I actually found lesbian stories more arousing.And then I discovered the Spicy AMSR stuff – the human sounds of arousal, with the odd word spoken was right up my alley.
And The Fuck Bar was sensational – definitely my thing…hearing about women who enjoy sex and being in control of their own choices and women who lean right in, is right up my alley. I think that the idea of like minded women is really reaffirming for me. CR’s ability to share those experiences was a huge turn on.
I have the sense that without paying for movies, people are offered a similar or short list of films.
The one I enjoyed the most was The Dirty Martini Party – the colourful, light setting and the mood of erotic lightness and sense of play and fun was epic.
The theme…essentially – people at a party, slowly exploring and enjoying each other’s bodies in an easy caring way.
I would love to be in this room – bisexual fun and pleasure – use of toys and slow full on sex and – the noises of others in the background. Would love to be directing and watching a group like this while being pleasured myself.
I’d not heard of the site before… but in talking about it to partners they certainly had…
Like many of the others above, if I had been told to capture the stories and their links that I liked I would’ve been able to find them. So, I’ll talk about the types of stories and themes I liked instead… I much prefer a short story – with just enough detail to get the dynamic… I enjoy stories where women are dominant and men experience the pain of rough sex, that they know is coming and although it hurts – they can’t get enough. Especially the stories to do with anal and the humiliation of their partner watching them being taken by another woman (there was a wrestling match story where if the guy could win against an amazonian woman with a dick he’d get $100,000. Of course he got his arse totally opened, over and again, round after round). I also enjoy a story about women loving rough sex, making noises that leave the whole building in no doubt that someone is having a brilliant time being fucked and fucked hard.
The taking of control thing… running the fuck, dominating the man – the more manly the better – is definitely my kind of literotica.
So much of the imagery had an arousing effect on me… the one that I could so readily work up a fantasy for was the gangbang scene from Betty’s fantasy journal.
Being surrounded by six men, all interested in pleasuring me and enjoying themselves at the same time… being in a warm room, with low lighting… with my delight in controlling everything that happens to create maximum pleasure for all – but especially me. I ended up writing quite the detailed fantasy scene … but when I read the existing forum notes I realised that I maybe took the idea further in writing than was necessarily asked for. So, it’ll stay in my journal!
This was a fun activity… using a sensual experience of being naked at the beach in the sun with a slight breeze, it was really easy to close my eyes and build on the feeling and take the feeling into a fantasy that then escalated through the second part of the activity… unsurprisingly, I then took some time out to lean into the fantasy during masturbation for delightful results.
<p style=”font-weight: 400;”>I feel very comfortable with my experiences, attitudes, and emotions about sexual fantasy and its role in my sex life. I feel like that might seem I am not looking at myself hard enough… but the last 2 years of my life, and why I am doing this course and going on to the Coach accreditation is because I believe in the value or a healthy and creative sex life for all!</p>
I lean to using my fantasies when edging and having a longer and slower masturbation session. I have used fantasies for masturbation since my 30’s and have not found it necessary to fantasise in partner sex since becoming single… if a sexual partner is not someone I can eyeball and talk about what is on the table sexually, then they are not someone I would have sex with again…
My fantasies include rough sex, gangbangs, multiple penetration, group sex and power and dominance – both ways are my key fantasy go to topics…
Off limits for me… scat, underage, incestuous relationships, rape and bestiality – none of which do anything for me.
