@j-chaplin
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I think the most valuable learning about sexual orientation is that it doesn’t matter – except perhaps between sexual and asexual. I used to get tied up in terminology – which I think is important… ie why would you say your orientation was one thing ie straight and then add lesbian or bisexual? … I guess we all like to know where we stand… and it’s interesting to consider just how many people, myself included, like to understand what a person’s preference and orientation is so that I don’t ask or want anything from them that they don’t want. And the same for me sharing my orientation – sexual is so broad – but in my mind the equivalent of pansexual… it’s about the person, not the gender or orientation.
I like the notion of supporting someone to think about orientation and preferences, if only to see what they can learn from the activity/question.
I like to write my answer to these forum questions and then come and read through everyone’s responses… in a way, I also feel like I am talking into a void and hope that the next person to follow me through the course will read my responses too.
The notion that speaks to me from above is that people here are more interested in the characteristics and interests of a person – their kindness, honesty and generosity – rather than their gender… the comment made by Emma about realising she falls for the person not the gender really rings true for me and I learnt that in my late 20s when I had a romantic interlude with a woman I worked with. I thought I had found the love of my life. But not. That she was a woman was not an issue at all.
And …
I’m predominantly attracted to men, pan or bisexual men are much more my style as they are generally more in touch with the broader range of pleasure associated with sex and have been less interested in PiV as the goal and end of sex play. My experiences in recent years have me feel they are much more in touch with the sensual arts and pleasure exchange.I want to be in a relationship with myself and my friends – like Alok – who talks about getting their love and affection, support and connection from friends and dates them like a romantic relationship without it being sexual. But I also love having a few lovers on the go to fulfill my desire for skin on skin sex and to play in a range of different ways… as not everyone likes everything?
My sexual orientation is a combination of self-sexual and pansexual as I am much more interested in how a person, and I connect on an interpersonal level. But I do like the idea more of just being “sexual” as an orientation.
I would describe my sex style as enthusiastic and energetic engagement in the pursuit of pleasure.
Given my open style of communication and the belief that sex is beautiful and fun, and we should all take about it more – the idea of coming out about your sexual style – especially if you’re heterosexual – should be part of everyday life – as well as knowing that your style can change across your life for so many different reasons.
Then more people would be free to more easily and more overtly engage in the things that give them pleasure. There’s not anyone I’d be embarrassed to describe my sex style to – but there might be plenty of people who are uncomfortable about me describing what works for me.
I actively engage in sexual pleasure conversations with as many women as I can.
The key stand out for me in the article was the notion of the heterosexual monogamous pair bond that makes people – women more likely than men (I think) insecure and can generate hostility. Especially when it’s seems more appropriate for men to “stray”… In that set up no one person is a whole person in his or her own right. It’s that notion of my other half – like without them I can’t be whole.
The key importance here for me is that all women feel complete and whole in themselves in all the ways before entering into serious partner connections – especially as it relates to sexual equality and pleasure.To purposefully establish a basic sexual commitment to myself may go a long way to removing the last vestiges of insecurity and angst in pair bonding.
Being financially independent from a partner is also key – to not becoming reliant on that person for financial support and therefore beholden to them moving forward.</p>
Chapter Three LOVING LOVE… leaning into conditioned models of female heterosexual romantic love and marriage would be something to revisit. Although I am largely now impacted by the conditioning – I realise they are still alive and well and I want to be reminded about he difference between loving love – versus having the understanding that women can operate independently of men on every area of male female relations.
This is the chapter I need to continually revise to remind myself where I ahve come from but also where so many people still are.
I feel there is a whole lot I am missing out on by listening to Betty’s books rather than having hard copies to hold onto and mark up and see the visuals. The way the e-book is set up means that they don’t always correlate chapters in the audio book with those in the hard copy – so page numbers and chapter references won’t necessarily be accurate. So no page references are available.
I think the piece that really left an impact on me was Chapter Four – The Bridal Shower. Although I have previously thought I wanted to specifically focus on women over 40, the more I have spoken to what I do, it seems to be strongly resonating with women in the late 20s to late 30s… they know they should be having more fun and they are not… I can hear and see they are stuck in exactly the same dilemmas and conditioning as I was… it’s an equal balance of being able to have the conversation and the knowledge and skill to know enough about themselves to be able to communicate their expectations and desires. There seems to be a need on both spectrums. So the bridal shower idea appeals but so too does “The Things Older Women (Your Mum) Could’ve Told You but Didn’t!” It seems like you’re Mum isn’t the one teenagers want to learn from… but when schools are dealing with contraception, STI risks and consent, the really enjoyable stuff is not being talked about.
Before I posted this comment I read through all the comments above – as I always do and want to also echo the significance of the following to me:
‘The electric vibrator is to woman what Viagra is to men’ (page 118). It gives new, interesting perspective on the role a vibrator can have for women in partner sex
And I strive to be what BAD invited readers to be: a person that tells my friends about my favourite masturbation or partner sex techniques with a description of one of my better orgasms – I want to be an out loud and proud sexual activist. I am a sexual activist. I am proud of being one and I love it.
I echo Tosh’s comments:
1) that even modern women, living and working in an urban mecca like NYC, are still uneducated about sex and don’t prioritize their sexual pleasure
2) Women are disconnected from their bodies and, unfortunately, lacking vulva knowledge.
3) Women are embarrassed about masturbation.
4) Women are misinformed by magazines about having orgasms via penetration only; plus they have no idea about the male model instead of the female model of sexual response.
I think also the notion of Men faking love for orgasms and women faking orgasms for love speaks to the fundamental heterosexual gender roles – I want to smash that so that women can have sex for the joy and pleasure they get from having an orgasm as part of delightfully enjoyable experience of partner sex.
After the first see how we play together sex experience that I can take the next step to have conversations fully and openly; confidently to explore options for outercourse as well as intercourse. To talk about likes and dislikes – loves and toe-curling goodness.
What I learned about partner sex is the differences and difficulty of the espoused theory about open conversations with partners about wants, needs and desires and the reality of trying to make it happen during sex… I think the collective power is in sharing how we can have those conversations fully and openly; confidently as a life ling learner. Learn what sex skills you can. Explore options for non PiV sex… outercourse versus intercourse.
This is kissing and eye contact for me… I think the other stuff can be more easily communicated and guided, talked about, shared and improved. But the ability to kiss so slowly and sensually is about the starting slow and building arousal. The eye contact for me seems to be linked with a level of awareness and sexual maturity as well as a willingness to lean into the connection and intimacy of erotic love… that sense of connection without fear is hugely arousing for me… and the other key is being able to process and attend to feedback and be willing to give it when needed for them.
I think the biggest thing about partner sex skills that I’ve learnt is the positions that are more likely to facilitate the use of vibrators during partner play. And I’m curious about whether playmates would feel better, different, more aroused if I allowed them to do clit stim during penetration. so the exposure to Kinkly options and liberator furniture and including it in partner sex could take things up another level.
I think communicating that my preference for RTF and being responsible for my own clit stim is something I love and am good with because of the Bodysex Experience and won’t be the case for many women who aren’t able to voice their own needs and preferences.
I really want to try double pen with two bi guys who are totally into each other as well as me. I have enjoyed double penetration with dildos that were being used by a guy on me and that felt fabulous – I have tried it – but it takes patience and two hard cocks – which as I have discovered takes more planning, effort, logistics and mood for all players involved. It’s definitely something I recognise will be better supported by doing so with regular playmates.
This is a really hard question to answer… there are so many positions I like… and they vary based on partners and their preferences and how I feel on any given day… two favourites… one is anal – sitting on his cock while my tits are squeezed and held… this is a newly found position for me and supports the RTF and taking control preference I have. The other is sitting on his face and having my clit worshipped until I squirt and cum all over his face… I like the being able to see without them not having a great view… again – the control and the sensory deprivation piece.
