@rachelhill
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I would love to find some play partners to explore kink with. It’s important for me to have a connection with someone before they become a play partner, so I guess that means I either have leave my house to go to kink events or try online dating again. Both sound daunting.
I was judged heavily for my sexual choices in middle school and high school. At the time I didn’t really care because I looked at it as the price you pay for having that level of fun. I think most of the people who judged were jealous, and the others were just shocked. Throughout it all I confidently, and unapologetically, owned my decisions. Over the years I have had several people from my past tell me that seeing what I was doing gave them the courage to be more sexually adventurous and not care about what other people think. One the other side of that I definitely judged people who were as slutty or sluttier than me. At that age sexual attention feels like a finite resource which I think manifests as competitiveness among women.
My first experience with sex work was when I was 19 years old. I was at a party with a dunk tank and some guy asked if I wanted to get in it. I jokingly said “No, but for $100 I will go in nude.” In less than 2 minutes the guy handed me $100 cash. I felt some apprehension at first. I was self conscious about getting naked in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know, and I knew that people would judge me. But ultimately I decided it would probably be a really smart financial choice, and I was right because I was dunked on the first ball so I made $100 for about 30 seconds of work. My only regret is not taking that as a sign to pursue sex work more aggressively.
I love how Betty and Carlin emphasize that “women have the right to do what they want with their bodies.” That is what it all comes down to. Women should not be penalized or shamed for selling sex for money, when plenty of other women trade sex for things that are not monetary without any judgment at all. Supporting sex work is a true feminist action.
A common misconception is that BDSM is abuse. The kink/BDSM scene is a very safe community and people who don’t play by the rules get weeded out very quickly. There is some risk playing with partners outside of the scene because there is no oversight, but community events are very pleasant to play at. Everything is based on negotiations and consent, which can be revoked at any time.
I’m not crazy about BDSM. I’ve never really like power play or ropes (with the exception of barbed wire), but I do love kink! Some of the more fun kinks I’ve experimented with are fire play, breath play, sensation play, praise kink, blood play, medical play, biting, and impact play. For me kink is very sexual so I only practice it with intimate partners.
I have very limited experience with tantra. I’ve attended a couple of Barbara’s classes at MENLA which were very interesting, but not really my cup of tea. I’m terrible at meditating and strongly dislike eye gazing. I am intrigued by it though.
One of the things I appreciate the most about Barbara is the work she did during the AIDS crisis. She brought tantra to the gay community as an alternative to physical partner sex. During the AIDS crisis people were focusing on abstinence, which isn’t an appealing option to a lot of people. Barbara provided a new option and dedicated time and resources to educating the community on how to perform it.
Slut stigma can be decreased by normalizing sexual exploration and talking about our experiences. People shouldn’t be embarrassed about having sexual experiences. It is all normal and a part of life.
In many cases, slut stigma causes women to turn against each other as they hold each other responsible for sexual expression. This adds to the fear many women have about their friends finding out and gossiping about them. The shame of being discovered keeps women sexually repressed.
I have had many shared orgasm experiences in groups. I have participated in several body sex circles, virtual erotic recess, and group sex and orgies. I personally love group sex. All of the orgies I have participated in have been with recurring partners and people I know well. I agree with what Betty said about the safety of being in a group. I have always felt safe in group sex settings because there are so many people around. If the situation took a turn it wouldn’t be long before other members of the group intervened. It has always felt much safer than being with just one other person.
Something that I realized during this module is how much relationship styles can change over time. I’m grateful to live in a time where there are so many possibilities. I have practiced non-monogamy for over 25 years, but at the time it was very unusual and people found it shocking. Now, half of the people I know (the same people I grew up with) practice non-monogamy in some way. I think it’s great that people are no longer bound to having just one partner for the rest of their lives.
Something that stood out to me is when Dossie mentioned that you should have agreements, not rules. For people who are new to polyamory I think it is very common to want to set rules, but they almost always backfire. I feel like agreements leave things open to be discussed because sometimes feelings change with time and experience.
One myth about human sexuality is that humans evolved to be monogamous and have sex only to procreate. There seems to be substantial evidence that the opposite is true. Some of the evidence against monogamy and procreation is the flared glans of the penis (plunger theory), female copulatory vocalizations, and women’s ability to have multiple orgasms, and women’s ability to have sex any time during their menstrual cycles. It seems as though the need for monogamy rose with agriculture.
I find it fascinating that 400,000 years ago the brain quickly transformed from 2lbs to 3lbs, making it very difficult for an infant’s head to fit through the birth canal which is a leading factor in humans having the highest mortality rate of any other species. What is even more interesting is that parts of the brain (instinct) had to be removed or condensed to make the head smaller at time of birth, which lead to the evolution of culture to offset the removal of instincts.