@soulflower
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There is a huge benefit to doing this. Most of the women had gone in never seeing anyone else’s vulva before and many had thought theirs was abnormal. Being in a space where people open up to share and show allows the energy of the space to support others to do the same. Some women hadn’t had a name for their vulvas and seeing other people’s relationships with their bodies opens up conversation and ideas that one hasn’t considered before. Women’s circles and celebration is a way to bring love to traumatic ideals and experiences– lessening their impact.
I was fascinated looking at the different clitoral hoods. I know each vulva is unique but, to see with my own eyes how some hoods go from barely covering to completely covering the clitoris was pretty cool. I noticed that some women had piercings there and I wondered what that symbolizes something to them. It made me think more about how I could adorn my vulva. I don’t think a piercing is right for me but, I’m interested in expanding my thinking on how I could accomplish this.
The main thing I remember learning is that during a virgin’s first time, bleeding is normal because the penis would break the hymen. I didn’t know the hymen was skin or partial skin over the entrance of the vagina. I thought it was a thin bloody web halfway inside the vagina.
I’d say myths and misinformation repress female sexuality because they are often associated with being innocent. Innocence being what is acceptable by society. It also says that the hymen is for a man to break for us. So there is a subconscious need– I feel– to preserve oneself for someone else to claim.
I had good feelings. I went in just making observations. My very first thought was that the whole thing looked like the face of a tarantula. My spread legs were the front legs of the spider and the outer lips of my vulva seemed to be the fangs of the spider. I paused to see how that observation made me feel. I didn’t feel anything negative so I began to think about the symbolism of spiders. They are creators that craft their art so beautifully. Spiders in some cultures are revered because of their feminine symbolism to the threads of life. This made me smile at the comparison.
The next thing I noticed was that on the left side of my clitoris, there is a thin redness. On the right side of my clitoris, there appears to be more of a puffy cushion. I don’t like my clitoris to be touched directly and so, I curiously folded her into that cushion in a circular motion to see if it’d bring pleasure. I liked it.
I haven’t thought of a nickname but I really like the spider comparison that came to me. Because of that, I definitely feel more connected and happy about the observations I made. I like being able to say things like, “ this side has more cushion or it’s thin on this side.” That way I feel more comfortable and confident knowing what is there.
I was a teenager the first time I looked at my genitals. If I am remembering correctly, it was because I was trying to insert a tampon for the first time. I hated wearing pads. I grabbed a hand mirror and while in the bathroom, I tried to look around for the “hole” to insert the tampon. I couldn’t do it, I felt very uncomfortable despite several attempts. I believe the next time I looked at myself, more curiously than the first time, was because I was in a long distance relationship with a man who wanted pictures of me. That’s when I used the hand mirror again to look at what he would be looking at. I wasn’t interested in exploring though, I had a mindset that said, “I’m touching here so he will be pleased.” I carried this mindset until… actually, I think I still carry this mindset.
I took a pause from going through the course and so, I rewatched the video to refresh my memory before answering this question. I noticed that every time I saw a woman’s vulva, my skin had a crawling feeling. I don’t feel it was because I was anxious. Instead, I came to the conclusion that I had not seen enough vulva’s for me to feel some sort of comfortable normalcy. It sounds like a strange thing to say, but when looking at penis’, my body does not react the same way. Maybe it has to do with seeing the “V” shape of a woman’s pubic region more than what’s underneath.
This assessment of myself makes me realize the state of my connection with vulvas including my own. Right now, I am reminded that when watching pornography, I often pay more attention to the penis. I think it’s natural as I am attracted to men mostly, but now I believe I have an unconscious opinion about seeing the vulva. I found it interesting how some women easily remembered when they first looked at their vulva. I had to sit for a while and think, so I am aware of the distance between myself and her.
Physically, my vulva felt aroused. Mentally, I was intrigued/interested. Emotionally, I felt joy that I spoke aloud as compliments while viewing. I also felt a bit overwhelmed trying to remember the signs of each type of vulva. The one I can remember easiest is the clam shell. But I managed the overwhelming feeling by reminding myself that I can look and study them as long as I’d like and that no two vulvas will look exactly the same.
I learned why the clam shell is most seen. I hadn’t considered that you can see the penis easier or that it appears bigger due to this Vulva type.
There are many things I can do but the one that I’ve been leaning into more is dancing burlesque. I dance for myself and allow my body to move in whatever way it would like to. When I first started practicing this, I felt soreness. I was confused because I wasn’t doing choreography or anything like that. But I realized that I was opening up my body in places I hardly acknowledged like rotating my shoulders, belly rolling into my lower back, and letting my arms flow in snake-like movements.
I enjoy leaning into this tool because it is helping me acknowledge different areas/zones of my body while loving them with sensual touch.
Carlin’s body appreciation mediation was helpful for me and I’d like to add more of it into my routine. I have these hairs that grow on the sides of my face and chin. I pluck them with tweezers or shave them when they become too noticeable. The sign that I am becoming aware of them (as they grow in) is that I will start to pull at them with my fingers all throughout the day. I was doing that when I started Carlin’s meditation and when I began to soften into feeling my chin and cheeks, my attention went from needing to remove the hairs and just being present with them. I will still tweeze and/or shave them but, adding more of this practice can help me focus on being present and appreciating versus pulling/scratching things I don’t want on my body.
- I love your jawline and the shape of your head. Your head is not “alien shaped” instead, quite natural and unique- I admire it. I love the aroma of your pussy. The flatness of your feet is beautiful. Your hands are soft and soothing.
I don’t have experience with an STI but I do often acknowledge that I am fortunate. No matter the number of times, I have had unprotected sex. Sometimes it came from not knowing how to say no and other times from wanting to experience the pleasure.
I’d like to use this space to release judgement of my past and current self with the understanding that she was following her desires or unable to communicate. All I can do is practice being mindful/intentional and giving myself grace as I do.
What I found interesting was Carol’s share about Planned Parenthood. She said that the women’s movement mistakenly turned over leadership to organizations that aren’t feminists. She shared that their goal is to limit babies not to restore power to women. I found her thoughts intriguing because I have received information about that organization that leads me to agree with her; they have their own agenda. To address her comment more fully, I think that some organizations/companies are predators because that is how they sustain themselves. It is hard to know who is really pulling the strings and what the real agenda is behind the scenes. That is why knowledge is so powerful in terms of how our own bodies function and the underlinings of societal interconnectedness. Everything is woven together and I feel this whole movement is about unweaving webs and re-pathing them with love.
I think it would be helpful to practice open-mindedness to prevent judgement while outside of an individual’s situation. Perspectives change once we experience an event for ourselves. Even then, our experience will be unique to us, possibly relatable in some ways, yet still unique. I think most people focus on the topics of life, death, and religion when referring to abortion. However, scientifically, it is important to assess the state of the mother and the environment(s) surrounding the child. A mother who does not want her child will carry emotions in her body throughout her pregnancy that will impact the chemical make-up of the child’s development. Knowledge, community, and financial support given to mothers and parents are important as well.
I honestly haven’t thought too much about it because I’m more of a go with the flow type of person. I do feel or think that I’d have a feeling of grief about no longer menstruating. I would love to not have the fear or anxiety around pregnancy but I’d also miss my ability to create life in that way- probably because the choice would be taken by nature. I am optimistic though, about learning more about the new version of me in that phase.
The misconception I’d like to write about is the lack of correlation between circumcision and manhood. There’s a societal message that normalizes circumcision as a sign of manhood. It has created judgement around those who are uncircumcised. I believe that circumcision is unnecessary and sends shameful messages about bodies at an early age. I think being born with foreskin is normal and a natural aspect of the penis. I am so happy that Carlin shared her observations about the neighboring baby. Although, I am saddened that he experienced unnecessary pain and was shushed while expressing that feeling. I have heard that the foreskin has more nerves that makes intimacy and sexual interactions more pleasurable. To me, this procedure is a way to silence and stigmatize pleasure under the disguise of it being a proper representation of being a man.
It also makes me think that if something isn’t “pretty” then we discard it as a society, despite it being a natural part of bodies. I don’t think it’s fair to normalize a decision like that when the baby is unable to consent. I had a relationship with a man who was uncircumcised. He shared with me that he would like his (future) baby to be. This saddened me because he didn’t want his child to experience the feelings he has around his own body. To me, it comes back to that societal messaging and maybe some experiences he’s had, that has made him feel a way about his foreskin.
I don’t have an answer for this one. I think healing is an ongoing journey but I’ve already worked through my relationship with my menstruation. I’m sure there is something still to be worked through, it just hasn’t come into my awareness yet. The work I had done so far was re-framing my mind around menstruation. When I was a teenager, I used to wish I could die for a week and then be brought back to life when it was over. My periods were so painful, heavy, and interrupted my sex. Once I understood my true power of creation, I fostered a much better relationship.
