@soulflower
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I would say that a misconception about orgasm can mostly be about sex (assigned at birth). When it comes to some religious rules, orgasm is okay for men but makes a woman filthy, un-modest, etc. This reinforces female repression because it teaches that pleasure is for men and not women. It also teaches that a woman exploring her body is wrong. This can lead to women not speaking up when sex is painful, not knowing how to orgasm and what it feels like. It can lead to shame and guilt of sexual desires. It can also silence the woman’s voice in a situation where she has become afraid to ask her male partner for more sex– since a woman’s pleasure does not solely lie in penetration and takes at least 30 minutes for arousal.
I think it’s important to know about our own sensitivities. My internal and external clitoris is very sensitive. Direct and repeated contact is pleasurable but can easily become overwhelming. I often have to take breaks. Knowing about our own sexual sensitivity in regard to stimulation, can help us to know where, how, and when to touch/stimulate. This can impact whether an orgasm is reached and also may determine the intensity of the orgasm. Having this knowledge of one’s own body makes them more in control of their own pleasure and release.
I have recently learned that there is power in choice. It is important to make choices that are informed. My dream is that people are more honest and forthcoming about facts vs opinions and allow space for girls/women to make informed choices.
My dream is that people are more understanding about the fact that if something isn’t their thing, it doesn’t mean that it is not someone else’s thing. I am more so addressing parents and society with that statement. Parents may want to shape their children in their image– with ideas that may not resonate with the child. Society has also shamed or placed judgement on people who ask questions or show an interest in sexual expressions.
Ultimately, my dream is that people honor the “don’t yuck someone else’s yum” phrase more. In my mind, if people did that then they wouldn’t try to police information or make people feel bad for their interest in sexual exploration of their own bodies.
Edited to share a personal story:
When I was 18, I told my female doctor that I wanted to have a hysterectomy. I wanted to have that procedure because my menstruation was very unpleasant and I wanted to have sex without the possibility of pregnancy. She told me that I needed to wait until age 24 to make that decision and that was the end of the discussion. Looking back, I wish that she gave me more information about fertility because that was the overarching theme. I also would have appreciated her telling me more about the repercussions of a decision like that long-term and addressing where my request was actually coming from– the help I actually needed. Her, being a female doctor, could have started helping me connect with my body early in age through allowing more dialogue in conversations like that.
It is liberating for women to know about their pleasure anatomy because it can help them to feel more comfortable exploring themselves. When there is misinformation or no information about something, it can be a place of fear and anxiety. When women know about their bodies they can inform their partners on how pleasure works for them. This helps to vocalize pleasure needs as well as being co-creative in the pleasure without expecting another to know the woman’s body better than herself.
To someone hearing this for the first time, I would share with them that I agree with this belief. I would tell them that the clitoris has more nerves in it than the penis does, which are primarily (not solely) responsible for inducing orgasm. Stimulating the clitoris stimulates blood flow to sexual organs and can enhance lubrication in the vaginal canal.
If people were educated on the clitoris, then we’d understand more about how it functions. I saw a man explaining female anatomy on social media. He explained that “squirting” is essentially urine.
With this example– keep in mind that men promote squirting– it can lead women to look at their own bodies and wonder why or how to do that. The things that are promoted most– and if we differ from them– can lead to sexual repression. Because there is a lack of education about the clitoris, people can make up their own truths that people can start to compare themselves to.
Betty stood her ground against a cat-caller. It was funny because he told her to take it easy and that he’s a married man. It’s interesting because men cat call for different reasons but a few of those reasons are to intimidate and objectify. Betty doing it back to him was very bold. I don’t think men are used to being talked to that way unless they are dancers or adult entertainers. I’ve wondered a few times if men would like to be cat called– if they would find it flattering. I think it’s up to the individual. Ultimately, I think Betty matching his energy was good for her because staying silent would have sent a different message.
The chapter that I would revisit is erotic celibacy. I like the way she uses terms like “celibacy” and “emotional marriages”. I feel words are powerful and are a reflection of our mindset. When she uses the term celibacy to mean abstaining from marriage, it makes me think about what some terms mean to me. I also like that she mentions a vow to the Goddess to explore pleasure and her apartment being the temple. I just feel like a seed has been planted in me. I’d re-read this chapter to explore any meanings that I’ve missed relating to spiritual health, hedonism, and non-monogamy.
“A lifetime of concealing the act of masturbation from family, friends, and lovers must have been at the core of my sexual repression…” PG. 908 (on Kindle)
This quote is meaningful to me because I see myself in it. This course has helped me try new things. And so, I attempted to share my masturbation practice with a partner. I asked him to lay down beside me. He touched me gently and I told him to not touch me at all and that I needed to feel like I was alone. His presence next to me kept me feeling uneasy so I put a blindfold on him. I wasn’t used to masturbating with someone in the same room as me. I finally decided to watch porn to help me focus. I was able to orgasm but it was a “small” one, not like how it feels when I’m alone.
I wanted to share my masturbation experience with him but I ended up isolating myself as much as possible. Betty’s words help me to see why I did that.
I’ve connected to my vulva mostly with touch and smell. When it comes to touch, I use a specific shower tool to wash her. I intentionally chose the color yellow to symbolize bringing the sun’s blessing and joy to her. I also often go without wearing panties so that she has good air flow and doesn’t feel restricted. Regarding masturbation, I hardly use my hands but I do perform vulva massages separate from that.
When it comes to smell, I use only soap and water. I don’t put deodorant or lotions down there because of chemicals and harshness to my skin. Instead, I use natural oils like coconut to support the area with hydration and smell. I’ve yoni steamed once and I did enjoy it. It felt like a spa treatment for my vulva because of the steam.
These things have improved my relationship to my vulva because I have been intentionally practicing ways to support her health– enhancing my awareness and care. It makes me see sexuality as something to take care of like the rest of my body. We are told to brush our teeth and floss everyday. Messages like that are more talked about and have conditioned me to make those more of a priority. With more information and care for my vulva, I understand her worth and priority.
When I smell her, I always think that she smells good. I’ve never tried to put the scent into words. I’d say she smells “fleshy”, sweaty, and like pubic hair. If I’ve consumed a lot of fruit, salt, or broccoli, I will smell that as well. As far as taste, I don’t know how to describe it; there’s nothing I can think to compare it too either.
I prefer the wishbone in a vertical or circular motion. I don’t like direct contact over my clit so, the wishbone feels most comfortable to me. I also enjoy an upward motion with a cupped hand. That gives me a nice tingling sensation that I like because it comes and goes- like a tease. The beginner technique I used was, sliding the bone between my wrist and thumb finger, down over my clitoral hood. I like the hardness of the bone and use this technique if I don’t have other items to use.
I am new to vulva massage. I’ve done it a few times since being introduced to it by this course. I’ve invited a partner to do it with me before sex as well– which was a fantastic experience.
So far, I’ve engaged in it when I feel called to do so. If I were to make it a daily practice, I think that in the morning after waking up would be best. After I wake up, I like to lay in the bed for at least an hour and sometimes, I rest my hands in between my legs to play with my pubic hair. I would have to first start by keeping oil next to my bed. Habits are hard to build but on top of that, I struggle with procrastination. For me, keeping oil close would serve as a reminder to explore myself more intentionally.
I liked feeling the different folds/areas of my skin. I did reach a point of desiring penetration but I stayed outside of my vagina. I’ve always preferred the feel of a penis inside me over my fingers or any toys. I have begun to wonder if introducing my fingers more often would change my preference. I intend to try because I believe using the hands when eating, crafting, writing, etc. is a way to allow the body to feel more connected to what it’s doing (physically and spiritually). I felt disconnected from my own fluids by not entering myself. However, just the massage itself was pleasurable and I felt no pressure to orgasm. I mainly felt like a curious person without intentions.
