@soulflower
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Betty stood her ground against a cat-caller. It was funny because he told her to take it easy and that he’s a married man. It’s interesting because men cat call for different reasons but a few of those reasons are to intimidate and objectify. Betty doing it back to him was very bold. I don’t think men are used to being talked to that way unless they are dancers or adult entertainers. I’ve wondered a few times if men would like to be cat called– if they would find it flattering. I think it’s up to the individual. Ultimately, I think Betty matching his energy was good for her because staying silent would have sent a different message.
The chapter that I would revisit is erotic celibacy. I like the way she uses terms like “celibacy” and “emotional marriages”. I feel words are powerful and are a reflection of our mindset. When she uses the term celibacy to mean abstaining from marriage, it makes me think about what some terms mean to me. I also like that she mentions a vow to the Goddess to explore pleasure and her apartment being the temple. I just feel like a seed has been planted in me. I’d re-read this chapter to explore any meanings that I’ve missed relating to spiritual health, hedonism, and non-monogamy.
“A lifetime of concealing the act of masturbation from family, friends, and lovers must have been at the core of my sexual repression…” PG. 908 (on Kindle)
This quote is meaningful to me because I see myself in it. This course has helped me try new things. And so, I attempted to share my masturbation practice with a partner. I asked him to lay down beside me. He touched me gently and I told him to not touch me at all and that I needed to feel like I was alone. His presence next to me kept me feeling uneasy so I put a blindfold on him. I wasn’t used to masturbating with someone in the same room as me. I finally decided to watch porn to help me focus. I was able to orgasm but it was a “small” one, not like how it feels when I’m alone.
I wanted to share my masturbation experience with him but I ended up isolating myself as much as possible. Betty’s words help me to see why I did that.
I’ve connected to my vulva mostly with touch and smell. When it comes to touch, I use a specific shower tool to wash her. I intentionally chose the color yellow to symbolize bringing the sun’s blessing and joy to her. I also often go without wearing panties so that she has good air flow and doesn’t feel restricted. Regarding masturbation, I hardly use my hands but I do perform vulva massages separate from that.
When it comes to smell, I use only soap and water. I don’t put deodorant or lotions down there because of chemicals and harshness to my skin. Instead, I use natural oils like coconut to support the area with hydration and smell. I’ve yoni steamed once and I did enjoy it. It felt like a spa treatment for my vulva because of the steam.
These things have improved my relationship to my vulva because I have been intentionally practicing ways to support her health– enhancing my awareness and care. It makes me see sexuality as something to take care of like the rest of my body. We are told to brush our teeth and floss everyday. Messages like that are more talked about and have conditioned me to make those more of a priority. With more information and care for my vulva, I understand her worth and priority.
When I smell her, I always think that she smells good. I’ve never tried to put the scent into words. I’d say she smells “fleshy”, sweaty, and like pubic hair. If I’ve consumed a lot of fruit, salt, or broccoli, I will smell that as well. As far as taste, I don’t know how to describe it; there’s nothing I can think to compare it too either.
I prefer the wishbone in a vertical or circular motion. I don’t like direct contact over my clit so, the wishbone feels most comfortable to me. I also enjoy an upward motion with a cupped hand. That gives me a nice tingling sensation that I like because it comes and goes- like a tease. The beginner technique I used was, sliding the bone between my wrist and thumb finger, down over my clitoral hood. I like the hardness of the bone and use this technique if I don’t have other items to use.
I am new to vulva massage. I’ve done it a few times since being introduced to it by this course. I’ve invited a partner to do it with me before sex as well– which was a fantastic experience.
So far, I’ve engaged in it when I feel called to do so. If I were to make it a daily practice, I think that in the morning after waking up would be best. After I wake up, I like to lay in the bed for at least an hour and sometimes, I rest my hands in between my legs to play with my pubic hair. I would have to first start by keeping oil next to my bed. Habits are hard to build but on top of that, I struggle with procrastination. For me, keeping oil close would serve as a reminder to explore myself more intentionally.
I liked feeling the different folds/areas of my skin. I did reach a point of desiring penetration but I stayed outside of my vagina. I’ve always preferred the feel of a penis inside me over my fingers or any toys. I have begun to wonder if introducing my fingers more often would change my preference. I intend to try because I believe using the hands when eating, crafting, writing, etc. is a way to allow the body to feel more connected to what it’s doing (physically and spiritually). I felt disconnected from my own fluids by not entering myself. However, just the massage itself was pleasurable and I felt no pressure to orgasm. I mainly felt like a curious person without intentions.
There is a huge benefit to doing this. Most of the women had gone in never seeing anyone else’s vulva before and many had thought theirs was abnormal. Being in a space where people open up to share and show allows the energy of the space to support others to do the same. Some women hadn’t had a name for their vulvas and seeing other people’s relationships with their bodies opens up conversation and ideas that one hasn’t considered before. Women’s circles and celebration is a way to bring love to traumatic ideals and experiences– lessening their impact.
I was fascinated looking at the different clitoral hoods. I know each vulva is unique but, to see with my own eyes how some hoods go from barely covering to completely covering the clitoris was pretty cool. I noticed that some women had piercings there and I wondered what that symbolizes something to them. It made me think more about how I could adorn my vulva. I don’t think a piercing is right for me but, I’m interested in expanding my thinking on how I could accomplish this.
The main thing I remember learning is that during a virgin’s first time, bleeding is normal because the penis would break the hymen. I didn’t know the hymen was skin or partial skin over the entrance of the vagina. I thought it was a thin bloody web halfway inside the vagina.
I’d say myths and misinformation repress female sexuality because they are often associated with being innocent. Innocence being what is acceptable by society. It also says that the hymen is for a man to break for us. So there is a subconscious need– I feel– to preserve oneself for someone else to claim.
I had good feelings. I went in just making observations. My very first thought was that the whole thing looked like the face of a tarantula. My spread legs were the front legs of the spider and the outer lips of my vulva seemed to be the fangs of the spider. I paused to see how that observation made me feel. I didn’t feel anything negative so I began to think about the symbolism of spiders. They are creators that craft their art so beautifully. Spiders in some cultures are revered because of their feminine symbolism to the threads of life. This made me smile at the comparison.
The next thing I noticed was that on the left side of my clitoris, there is a thin redness. On the right side of my clitoris, there appears to be more of a puffy cushion. I don’t like my clitoris to be touched directly and so, I curiously folded her into that cushion in a circular motion to see if it’d bring pleasure. I liked it.
I haven’t thought of a nickname but I really like the spider comparison that came to me. Because of that, I definitely feel more connected and happy about the observations I made. I like being able to say things like, “ this side has more cushion or it’s thin on this side.” That way I feel more comfortable and confident knowing what is there.
I was a teenager the first time I looked at my genitals. If I am remembering correctly, it was because I was trying to insert a tampon for the first time. I hated wearing pads. I grabbed a hand mirror and while in the bathroom, I tried to look around for the “hole” to insert the tampon. I couldn’t do it, I felt very uncomfortable despite several attempts. I believe the next time I looked at myself, more curiously than the first time, was because I was in a long distance relationship with a man who wanted pictures of me. That’s when I used the hand mirror again to look at what he would be looking at. I wasn’t interested in exploring though, I had a mindset that said, “I’m touching here so he will be pleased.” I carried this mindset until… actually, I think I still carry this mindset.
I took a pause from going through the course and so, I rewatched the video to refresh my memory before answering this question. I noticed that every time I saw a woman’s vulva, my skin had a crawling feeling. I don’t feel it was because I was anxious. Instead, I came to the conclusion that I had not seen enough vulva’s for me to feel some sort of comfortable normalcy. It sounds like a strange thing to say, but when looking at penis’, my body does not react the same way. Maybe it has to do with seeing the “V” shape of a woman’s pubic region more than what’s underneath.
This assessment of myself makes me realize the state of my connection with vulvas including my own. Right now, I am reminded that when watching pornography, I often pay more attention to the penis. I think it’s natural as I am attracted to men mostly, but now I believe I have an unconscious opinion about seeing the vulva. I found it interesting how some women easily remembered when they first looked at their vulva. I had to sit for a while and think, so I am aware of the distance between myself and her.
Physically, my vulva felt aroused. Mentally, I was intrigued/interested. Emotionally, I felt joy that I spoke aloud as compliments while viewing. I also felt a bit overwhelmed trying to remember the signs of each type of vulva. The one I can remember easiest is the clam shell. But I managed the overwhelming feeling by reminding myself that I can look and study them as long as I’d like and that no two vulvas will look exactly the same.
I learned why the clam shell is most seen. I hadn’t considered that you can see the penis easier or that it appears bigger due to this Vulva type.
