@amalthea
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I don’t have a favorite vibrator! So I’ve decided to try the Wink since it is rechargeable and small since I travel constantly.
My first, and only, vibrator was the original rabbit when I was about 26. A boyfriend had gotten it for me. It was shaped like a giant penis and it spun around and rumbled. I had no idea about putting it on the vulva first or even how to use it. I was totally intimidated because I wasn’t aroused enough. It sat in a drawer for years until I finally threw it out. I feel ready for the magic wand now, however, after this module.
I loved the description on pages 132-133 of a Bodysex workshop through Dell Williams’ eyes— her shock at Betty answering the door naked, her delight at the beauty of her own vulva. On page 134 she describes her first encounter with the Magic Wand:
”Dodson and her assistant Sheila Shea both plugged their devices into the electrical outlet, cranked up their dials, and placed it on their clitorises. A wave of pleasure washed over their faces. For twenty minutes, Williams and the other participants sat silently and watched as the naked Dodson and Shea vibrated themselves to powerful orgasms. After Dodson and Shea climaxed, the room erupted into applause.”
This 20 minute performance directly influenced the birth of a woman-focused sex toy store and the sex-toy industry.
I have not had a vibrator since the original rabbit, which I hated. In retrospect, it was probably due to not knowing how to arouse myself on my own before penetration. Now I enjoy crystal wands, glass dildos, and Betty’s barbell.
There were so many eye-opening and eye-rolling stories in this book, especially given the detailed descriptions of the lives of the innovators in the sex-toy industry. I found myself sad and triggered by the saga of the Good Vibrations store in San Francisco.
One thing that stood out was their conflict around dildos. I was ignorant of how taboo dildos once were, especially in the lesbian community. They were treated like a dirty secret.
On page 234 we read
“Yet when Bright urged Blank to sell dildos openly, Bright was met with resistance. ‘Eww. I don’t want to put them on the shelf, icky, ugh,” Blank said. Dildos remained a political minefield: representative of masculinity and patriarchy for some and symbolic of female usurpation of male power for others. [a discussion of the politics of dildos ensues]…Finally, she convinced Blank to carry Duncan’s dildos even though, as Blank said, “so many lesbians would feel they were betraying the movement if they were buying dildos.”
This whole chapter helped me to understand more deeply what Betty was up against in promoting masturbation, vibrators, fantasy, and sex toys for women’s pleasure. These political conflicts seemed to dominate throughout the 70s, 80s, and into the 90s. I didn’t realize that I am part of a generation of women that accepted and had access to dildos regardless of sexual orientation. They just always have been present ever since I became sexually active.
I’m reflecting on how sacred penetration is and how it can be taught. Both of these truths— its sacredness and that it is a learnable skill— are ignored by our society. Penetration should be something that is talked about before we insert a tampon, before we go to the OBGYN for the first time, before we masturbate for the first time. And then after that we can talk about another person’s body inside our own. I am asking myself how I can have better conversations about penetration in my life, not just with my sex partners.
To be totally honest, when I was young I had the erroneous belief that a partner who was interested in anal play was confused about his sexuality and/or not attracted fully to me. Only in the past few years— after talking with friends who added butt plugs into their masturbation routines and after learning about the importance of stimulating the prostate in men— have I been able to let go of some of my assumptions from early adolescence. This module helped me to let go of the vestiges of those assumptions and move into curiosity. I definitely would be interested in trying it with a toy on myself first. What really helped me to let go was understanding that even with anal play, it is the clitoris that is being stimulated and that pleasure still comes from the clitoris in this case.
I was very moved by Carlin’s intention and dedication to be the sex-positive mother women never had. The saying goes that relational trauma is healed in relationships. Carlin and Bodysex coaches are healing the relational trauma in our culture around penetration. I appreciated Carlin saying “I’ll be here as long as it takes” and the description of watching a client’s full body relief at learning to penetrate themselves and bring themselves to orgasm. I also appreciated all of the tips and techniques especially, using the small end of the barbell and then quickly flipping to the large end when you see that the woman is aroused. The podcast is one that I will return to again, I am sure.
When I am adequately aroused after a lot of time with vulva and breast massage, pc engagement, and clitoral stimulation, then I desire penetration. If I take my time, I can work up to larger glass dildos or partner sex. When my body is ready, penetration deeply relaxes my whole pelvic area. Stimulating the cervix through penetration is amazing for my nervous system; I feel very released and satisfied. Like my authentic self. But I know that cervical stimulation is very physically or emotionally painful for other women. And sometimes it’s too much for me.
There is a particular incident from 30 years ago regarding penetration that I would like to let go of. A former partner penetrated me with a finger without my consent while I was asleep. I was so shocked, I couldn’t speak and never spoke about it with him. I held my anger inside and ended the relationship. This incident seems minor when compared to other situations of non-consensual penetration of all kinds.
But I have held onto the inability to communicate what that act of non-consensual penetration meant for me and how it was a violation. I would like to release that silence and rage, with forgiveness for my much younger self.
Yes, because penetration is something that happens only with consent.
It is also significant because it can bring either great pleasure or great discomfort. It can also signify the potential for pregnancy, in the case of penetration with a penis.
Penetration is something I have spent a lot of mental and emotional energy worrying about in this lifetime. I can drop the worry when I remember the sacredness and the choice around penetration.
The Bodysex workshop leaves no room for “maybe you can or maybe you can’t orgasm.” It’s not even a question.
Each step in the ritual process leads participants deeper into relaxation, self-confidence, knowledge, and arousal needed for orgasm. I think one very important piece of the Bodysex structure is erotic recess (i.e. the orgasm part) in the second part of the workshop. First you get to know your body without shame or comparison, building compassion and empathy in the group. Everyone’s erotic potential is held equally.
Then that potential that is held in the first part becomes the runway for orgasmic liftoff in the second part.
We grow up with images of very loud, showy orgasms or television programs showing literal images of fireworks to represent orgasm. I think many women idealize orgasm or expect it to be a certain way. Learning to tolerate and relax into pleasurable sensations is a necessary prerequisite to any orgasm. I would talk to a women about strategies for staying present with the body, easing off or turning up the intensity depending on what she is feeling, always staying with the body and building trust with the body. And reminding her that her orgasm is for her, not for anyone else’s pleasure or consumption.
I was floored by the definition of frigidity as not being able to have an orgasm through vaginal penetration. This pseudo-scientific belief in so-called frigidity perpetuated generations of absolute ignorance of the function of the clitoris and the anatomy of the clitoris. The quote about the female doctor who recommended “vaginal-clitoral reconciliation” (!!!) and surgery to relocate the clitoris closer to the vagina made me truly incensed. Never have I been more proud of the very long gap between my clitoris and vagina. It feels like a finger (no pun intended) to the Freudian patriarchy!
I want all women to know that it’s never too late to learn how to self-pleasure and be orgasmic. No matter how long it takes or no matter what you have experienced in life, you can still find pleasure within yourself. Our orgasm will meet us where we are when we remember that pleasure is our birthright.