@amalthea
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There is a particular incident from 30 years ago regarding penetration that I would like to let go of. A former partner penetrated me with a finger without my consent while I was asleep. I was so shocked, I couldn’t speak and never spoke about it with him. I held my anger inside and ended the relationship. This incident seems minor when compared to other situations of non-consensual penetration of all kinds.
But I have held onto the inability to communicate what that act of non-consensual penetration meant for me and how it was a violation. I would like to release that silence and rage, with forgiveness for my much younger self.
Yes, because penetration is something that happens only with consent.
It is also significant because it can bring either great pleasure or great discomfort. It can also signify the potential for pregnancy, in the case of penetration with a penis.
Penetration is something I have spent a lot of mental and emotional energy worrying about in this lifetime. I can drop the worry when I remember the sacredness and the choice around penetration.
The Bodysex workshop leaves no room for “maybe you can or maybe you can’t orgasm.” It’s not even a question.
Each step in the ritual process leads participants deeper into relaxation, self-confidence, knowledge, and arousal needed for orgasm. I think one very important piece of the Bodysex structure is erotic recess (i.e. the orgasm part) in the second part of the workshop. First you get to know your body without shame or comparison, building compassion and empathy in the group. Everyone’s erotic potential is held equally.
Then that potential that is held in the first part becomes the runway for orgasmic liftoff in the second part.
We grow up with images of very loud, showy orgasms or television programs showing literal images of fireworks to represent orgasm. I think many women idealize orgasm or expect it to be a certain way. Learning to tolerate and relax into pleasurable sensations is a necessary prerequisite to any orgasm. I would talk to a women about strategies for staying present with the body, easing off or turning up the intensity depending on what she is feeling, always staying with the body and building trust with the body. And reminding her that her orgasm is for her, not for anyone else’s pleasure or consumption.
I was floored by the definition of frigidity as not being able to have an orgasm through vaginal penetration. This pseudo-scientific belief in so-called frigidity perpetuated generations of absolute ignorance of the function of the clitoris and the anatomy of the clitoris. The quote about the female doctor who recommended “vaginal-clitoral reconciliation” (!!!) and surgery to relocate the clitoris closer to the vagina made me truly incensed. Never have I been more proud of the very long gap between my clitoris and vagina. It feels like a finger (no pun intended) to the Freudian patriarchy!
I want all women to know that it’s never too late to learn how to self-pleasure and be orgasmic. No matter how long it takes or no matter what you have experienced in life, you can still find pleasure within yourself. Our orgasm will meet us where we are when we remember that pleasure is our birthright.
I found myself very moved by Megan’s testimony. How she lived as a single mother without an orgasm and then learned to orgasm at a Bodysex workshop in Canada. Afterwards, she changed her life and her entire approach to sex, including becoming a sex-positive mother for her adolescent son. I also loved how compassionate she was towards her female ancestors and how she said she was so fortunate to live “in this day and age” where she could have access to Betty’s teachings.
A commonly-held misconception about orgasm is that it comes exclusively from the mind or a person’s mood. It actually comes from the body, from activation of pleasure centers in the physical genitals. The mind participates, but is not the primary driver of orgasm. Making the experience about the mind instead of the body serves to constantly separate us from our bodies, reinforcing the belief that the body is wrong or dirty. Without the body, and specifically the clitoris, an orgasm can be mysterious or unattainable and this can keep women indefinitely second-guessing themselves, their connection to their felt senses, and their capacity for orgasm.
An orgasm is the body’s experience of bliss. It is a temporary cessation of any other focus in life except for bliss.
I am fascinated by the urethral sponge and the periurethral glands. Learning about these parts of my anatomy has helped me to understand why arousal and the feeling of urination are so linked. And that these sensations can be worked with to increase pleasure, together with the clitoris and clitoral bulb. The periurethral glands are an amazing source of lubrication regardless of whether you’re cultivating the “g-spot” or not.
My wish is that there would be community support for masturbation and sexual education. That there would be more than one place to learn about sexuality, anatomy, pleasure, conception and birth, and birth control. Information about masturbation, orgasm, and contraception would be routinely taught in schools and discussed with medical and psychological professionals. But beyond that, I wish for a network of experiential and sex-positive spaces — like Bodysex– that serve as resources for all ages and genders free from fear, shame, and ideology. And that all those in the helping professions learn more about the power of the vulva.
It decenters the idea that pleasure comes to a woman from an external source – a penis, a lover, some external force— and gives women the knowledge that they need to explore their own complex pleasure system. It helps to create a map of sensations when you have an understanding of the parts or aspects of your anatomy. It decreases confusion and the belief that “other people are experiencing pleasure or an orgasm, but I’m not.”
It maintains a status quo where power is in the hands of everyone but the clitoris owner– the medical system, the patriarchy, educational system, the government (writ large), our sexual partners. When we don’t know that we have resources, we are compromised as a default position. And even when we do experience pleasure through our clitorises, we feel shame, we hide masturbation, we persist in thinking that there’s something wrong or anamalous about ourselves. The lack of knowledge about the power of the clitoris is a major aspect of sexual repression in the world.
<p class=”p1″>The clitoris is not in the brain, it is in the body, located in your vulva. (The vagina is something else, the canal leading to the uterus.) It is an analogue to the penis, but much more sensitive. Your body has the most intricate organ for pleasure in the human organism, containing up to 10,000 nerve endings. These nerve endings require phyiscal engagement, not just mental. As women, it is up to us to understand how we would like to use and stimulate our primary sex organ. I encourage you to consider all parts of your clitoris— the bulb, shaft, tip, and legs. You can only get to know what gives you pleasure by engaging with your clitoris.</p>
I loved this quote from the chapter Gay Heaven: “Anonymous sex could be so special— it was sex without the ego— the opposite of star fucking, power fucking, or romantic fucking. In many ways there was a high degree of unconditional love involved that was spiritual— an amazing degree of acceptance about myself and other people without judgments.”