@megan
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The are so many myths and misconceptions about female orgasm, but I think the one that reinforces women’s sexual repression deeply is that women are meant to be given or provided their orgasms by their partners. It’s pervasive from a society largely influenced by patriarchal abrahamic religions that creates multiple ways for women to be dependent on men. If women believe they will only experience pleasure with a man, then they will be dependent on men for the thing that would make them feel the most free and empowered if they learned that they could achieve this by themselves (and I would argue it would also be SIGNIFICANTLY better, more frequently).
An Orgasm is the climax of the journey of pleasure that the body can go on. From desire and arousal, hormones firing and blood pumping in the body. Making senses more powerful, and the heart beat faster. It’s a build-up of physical, emotional, psychological and (I believe) spiritual energy in the body that peaks and can be felt in many parts of the body, but especially, in the main pleasure organ: the clitoris (and clitoral system in the pelvic floor, vulva and anus). It can be intense waves, electrical jolts, a relieving genital sneeze, convulsive jolting, brain fireworks, a warm balloon of water exploding in the pelvic bowl, muscle gripping and full feeling pulsing. They’re all different and incredible.
The information contained in the comprehensive and correct diagrams (many of Betty’s drawings show the relevant information in a variety of ways angles, and tissue layering to be able to see the ways things connect) help women to see how these muscles and nerve connections are contained in the body and the reality of the sheer scope of where it is possible to feel pleasure in the pelvic area. New information, from a few months ago, has also given us further understanding of the nerve pathways of the clitoris, reaffirming the dorsal nerve that runs up above the clitoris and around the back side of the legs, meaning it makes sense if you receive pleasure in the inguinal creases and also above from the pubic bone. Knowing more in-depth information about the biology, its behaviour and how sensation and blood flow to the area, definitely empowers women to know that the discovery of their own body’s pleasure can be explored and that we are each unique in our configuration and specific needs and that it’s not a simple instruction manual. Get the mirror and the desk lamp out and explore!
I dream of girls taught about their bodies, the correct terms and loving words to describe every unique facet of her body and being. I dream of young women empowered with the knowledge of how puberty will impact her body’s growth, her emotions and reactions. She will be armed with holistic tools, support for her nourishment, health and physical wellbeing. Girls will enter her bleed with empowered knowledge of foods that support her cycle, encouragement to explore her body at her own pace and trusted adults who support her right to autonomy and pleasure. She’s offered options and comprehensive medical support, when it’s needed to navigate hormonal changes and birth control options. She has healthy examples in her life of adults emulating consent, boundaries and assertiveness skills as everyday communication and her no is celebrated and encouraged at every turn. She enters sexually explorative spaces in her teen years that are curious and playful, never experiencing violation, harassment or assault. She grows and expands her individual impact and empowerment while participating in meaningful community and relationships that are built intentionally to her needs, desires and capacity. The world will have finally studied endometriosis, vaginismus, PCOS/PMOS, uterine tumors, and the myriad chronic illnesses and cancers of the uterus/ovaries etc. to give women options that serve her health. In her 20s she’ll play, make mistakes and explore but won’t come to harm for those mistakes, her sex and body education will start to offer some information about aging and menopause (a friend recently shared the term regenopause and I’m obsessed) and she’ll again have tools to embrace the natural progression of life and aging). She’ll be supported throughout her exploration of sexual connection and not questioned for whatever relationship structures she chooses. Family and community will be there for her if she chooses pregnancy and motherhood, all support is properly funded (doula’s and midwives), she will thrive and her children with have so many loving adults in their lives.
I got emotional writing this – to get to think about these possibilities AND the frustration of only still seeing so much of this through the lens of capitalist colonial patriarchy that needs to be dismantled to really see how things would be different for women and folks with vulvas (uteri, clits, breasts etc.) This system has hijacked our imagination and how we even might see this reality as a possibility.
The patriarchy has very effectively kept all people, but especially women, ignorant of healthy sex education and empowerment towards self knowledge. Women and other marginalized people are at greater risk for not having their experiences represented and therefore not having the knowledge to support the image of their core self. When women know about their own bodies and own pleasure, that they can access good feelings, joy and sensuality on their own without external influences or people, they are shown that they aren’t reliant on other for pleasure. This is true freedom and empowerment that ripples outwards into every facet of an individuals life. Imagine the amazing things that could come about and be accomplished by women with deep self love, self knowledge and the accessible ability for deep, unending pleasure. The world would be a very different, and I believe, an incredible place.
The insidious and oppressive reinforcement of religious and patriarchal propaganda upon all humans, but especially women continue to this day to reinforce women’s weakness because the truth is that there is more power to be found in our bodies, are sexuality our capacity to create to experience pleasure than the society of men will ever know, and it scares the shit out of them.
This lack of education is intentional and continues to oppress women’s ability to be empowered and advocate for themselves, and be fully connected to their power centre their sisterhood and their ability to create and lead. That energy instead goes towards a mentality of service to men, and an inherent belief that men will provide the things that women desire. Learning about the power of the clitoris inherently changes and deepens self knowledge and self empowerment for women and folks with a clitoris to be able to achieve deep life changing pleasure.The clitoris is a concentrated organ of erectile tissue and nerve pathways that embrace the vaginal opening and some of the vaginal canal and the nerves expand into the mucus membrane of the inner and outer labia, perineum and anus. Intense pleasure that can cause multiple orgasms and female ejaculation all stem from stimulation of the clitoris.
It’s a huge lie within our phallocentric and patriarchal society that the vagina is the focal point of women sexuality. This narrative has been reinforced for so long and through so many cultures driven by the male model that the female sexual organs or only thought of as being in complementary to the male sexual organ.
We now have scientific anatomical evidence that proves that the penis is an enlarged and diluted clitoris. All human were default biologically female and the sperm adds the genetic coding that determines whether it might then become male. Hence also why men have nipples (for no apparent reason) and that there’s a leftover seam along the connection of the scrotal sac between testicles and up the underside of the penile shaft where the tissue fused into that form in utero, instead of staying separated as two labia. The clitoris has the most nerve endings (8-10K) in a single organ in the human body (female or male) and it’s only function is pleasure 😀I truly cheered for Betty when she was in the thick of her sexual explorations, travelling to Europe, being wooed and seduced by wealthy lovers and group sex parties expanding her expression, playing with all genders and the feeling of “rightness” that I share with her, being in naked and sexual spaces. Full embodiment, joy and pleasure that she was experiencing was intensely palpable and I mourn for folks who will never get to experience that kind of freedom. She lived clit to the wall and inspired all of us to join her in the hedonistic ritual of life.
<p class=”p1″>There are so many chapters of this book that delight me and I come back to: when Betty goes through her celibate priestess phase writing Liberating Masturbation in LA, when she attend the gay men’s bathhouse (a personal fantasy), but one I recall the best and holds several opposing elements at once is when she goes back to Kansas and supports her mother in palliative care in her childhood home and has the scary/hot sexual interaction on a summer night with a stranger. What a fucking story! the pacing of it delights me, I constantly think “you can’t write this shit!” but she DID! and she lived it. Betty you inspire me endlessly. Thank you for your stories and your wisdom.</p>
I squealed out loud at this one “What a year it had been! I’d gone from being a sexually frustrated monogamous wife to becoming an independent sex adventurer – a sexual anthropologist of sorts.”
I loved this and was delighted because this is also a term I’ve self identified with before I knew that she had as well.
I have always felt such a kinship with Betty, her artist mentality, her lack of filter or fucks to give patriarchal, heterosexual, capitalist society. She was making the connections between all these systems before others were making the connections. She ruffled so many feathers and really got off on making people uncomfortable when she spoke out about the harm society did to women. She evolved by leaps and bound in her own exploration, leading to a life that amazed and shocked everyone she came across. You can’t help but love her. I feel an ancestral/mentorship kinship with her and feel her always finding her way to me along me journey.
Because I started out my masturbation as a child with humping a teddy bear and then a macrame blanket well into my teens, touching myself was initially uncomfortable because I didn’t like the idea of my hands getting wet or sticky. It’s a strange thing to recall back on, because now I love touching my vulva. Giving her massage, sniffing her on my hand, tasting her (my hand or my partners face!) all feel integral to my adult self love practice. It’s always empowering to track how she’s doing throughout my cycle and her health and mine are linked so I know intuitively how to care for my health.
When I feel disconnected, anxious or stressed, knowing I can always come back to being curiosity of my own body and re-centre.Today she’s smelling musky, tangy and tastes a bit salty and umami flavour. Somedays I’m no addicted to the smell and wish I could bottle it up and make millions. I especially find it fun and funny when it smells a but like freshly sharpened lead pencil. The taste doesn’t change too much, mostly the tangy salty flavour, sometimes it don’t even taste like anything.
I enjoy patting and grinding my palm and the heel of my hand up and down over the outer labia. I like stroking my middle two fingers up and down my inner labia with oil and building up tension. I will include stroking my perineum and my anus and bringing long loop circles up and around my clitoris and down again. My favourite thing to do is gently dipping two fingers into my vaginal opening and stroking up and down across my vulva, just slightly pushing in and sensing the tension of my vaginal opening that resists my fingers and that buildup of tension can make me have an orgasm.
I have been practising vulva massage and intentional masturbation for most of my life, but the inclusion of Bodysex and the energy of sacred sensuality gives me so much more fulfilment when I prioritize making it a part of my self-love practice. Personally, I am a sex witch, and I deeply value the spiritual and somatic connection that this practice offers to my ongoing play in this realm. Revisiting this work reminds me to make sure that I am making it a regular practice and not waiting longer than a month between deeper sessions. I currently live in a room with two large mirrors and a lush carpet. I enjoy playing music and sprawling out on the floor with candles and a joint, oil, glass of water and have a fantastic time exploring myself. I’d like to add a shorter but still intentional massage before I masturbate so my maintenance pleasure can also be imbued with this energy.
I love the process of being talked through my self-pleasure. I’ve subscribed to a few audio erotica and meditation apps that have really supported my sensual exploration in recent years, and this recording supported me in a very similar way. It’s very supportive for me to have outside structure that allows me to take away the responsibility of maintaining a slower pace and essentially being Dommed into dropping in with presence and not rushing towards pleasure or orgasm. It’s amazing how much the breath work and allowing my body to move with intention while taking time to explore my vulva, clitoris and vagina from a deeply curious place. I always feel so much more satisfied and deeply connected to myself when I take the time to be intentionally creative in my sexuality and I’m grateful to Carlin for creating this recording that I can return to.
